By: Marcia Meyer Jenkins RN, GS, CPLC
Mother of Mike Jenkins (3/3/66 – 5/5/11)
How often do we hear, how are you doing? What are people really asking us? Where are we in our grief journey. So what exctly is grief . . .
The Dictionary definition is: deep sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death. Grief is the inward feeling of sadness, anguish, and despair. Mourning on the other hand is the outward expression of these feelings…crying, screaming, throwing things, or maybe like me beating in the side wall of the garage with a baseball bat. Crazy behavior, whatever it was, I felt better afterwards.
When we lost our loved one to CTE, chances were we didn’t know it yet. So, the reality of their death was too difficult to takes in. It’s called Shock and Numbness and it is our friend. It allows us to take what has happened in, on our own terms, not anyone else’s. We don’t remember what people have said. Our sleep patterns are distorted; we have very little interest in anything. Sometimes, these same feeling resurface around the anniversary, leaving us confused.
Once the clouds begin to part and we begin to see what has happened and the results. We begin the journey of Searching and Yearning it comes to allow ask the hard questions… why did they end their lives, should or could I have done more…did I really know them at all…if they loved me how could they have killed themselves? ? ?
The months go past and we begin to see reality set in. Those that had been so interested and provided support have moved on, this period is called Disorientation. During this time we may begin to feel “sick ourselves”. Things that were second nature, now are a struggle to figure out. Actives are exhausting. We don’t know how to enter into what has become our confused new life.
As we approach the year anniversary we begin the time know as Reorganization: during this time energy slowly begins to increase. There are times when we feel the much lost sense of joy again. Sleeping and eating have found a new routine. We start imagine what life may look like without the one we love.
When we look at grief from the stand point of losing someone we love to expected cause. Grief models suggest 1 to 2 years. However, when we lose someone to traumatic death the finding show that grief peaks at 3 years.
Tools we need for the journey…
- Take good care of yourself. Keep hydrated (drink plenty of water)
- Talk with your doctor for recourses. Counseling and medications
- Don’t judge yourself… much of this time you won’t remember
- Find at least one person who will listen and has your health and safety in mind
- Keep open communication… especially if there are children involved
- At journeys end there are sunrises of Hope and sunsets of Peace.